Bill Hicks Quotes
Thanks to Ruffin Prevost for the following.
Bill Hicks always had something profound to say about practically any
situation, and when I came upon this batch of Hicks quotes I saw a
pretty good one that's relevant to current events. I put it first,
but all the other quotes are great ones too.
Ruffin
"I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy
the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little
countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the
bullies of the world, y'know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie
Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet.
"Pick it up."
"I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me."
"Pick up the gun."
"Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get
some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't
even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a
week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister."
"Pick up the gun."
(He picks it up. Three shots ring out.)
"You all saw him - he had a gun."
******
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the
world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth.
******
Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic
drugs, I see through you.
******
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when
Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like
going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.
******
Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third
eye.
******
People say "Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah,
maybe, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a
REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army
in the world, and they've already got all our airports.
******
People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I
asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy
said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife,
Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for
abduction.
******
It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water.
Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?
******
I don't do drugs anymore... than say, the average touring funk band.
******
"This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have
never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was
a brain.
******
If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home
and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because
every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced
your lives? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs. The Beatles
were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.
******
The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against
it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck.
******
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't
know one child with a full time job and children.
******
Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming
out of your ass.
******
I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is
fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of
argument.
******
We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being
blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't
matter to me. What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of
life then you believe it for life of all ages. That's what I hate
about this child-worship syndrome going on. "Save the children!
They're killing children! How many children were at Waco? They're
killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and
they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the
way you think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all
ages or you shut the fuck up.
******
Because you know if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards
they sound better. "Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't
pick on them, they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're
such a good image for the children." Fuck that! When did mediocrity
and banality become a good image for your children? I want my
children to listen to people who fucking ROCKED! I don't care if they
died in puddles of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his
fucking HEART!
******
I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a
Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm
eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to
me: " Hey, whatchoo readin' for?"
Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what
am I readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well, godammit, ya stumped
me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a
lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking
waffle waitress.
******
Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit
that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No
artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like...every
commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two
twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am
thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to
make.
******
Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography
and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I
do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body -
as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?
******
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet.
Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a
bit... unnatural? You know what I mean? It's nature. How do you make
nature against the fucking law?
******
I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you
could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now.
Watching an empty stage.
******
I dunno how much AIDS scares y'all, but I got a theory: the day they
come out with a cure for AIDS, a guaranteed one-shot cure, on that
day there's gonna be fucking in the streets, man.
******
I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our
planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the
most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high
and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts
blinking)
******
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated.
Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as
well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There
is a difference.
******
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really
unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow
ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one
day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.
******
I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is
because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government
could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do
absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is
ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit
talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go,
alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright,
then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life
here...
******
No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something
about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly
about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you
don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great
time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone,
never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a
house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.
******
Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a
belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan
by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very
interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and
believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive
amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me."
******
It's just a ride and we can change it any time we want. It's only a
choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice,
right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put
bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of
love instead see all of us as one.
******
One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are
going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've
been adding on to for years.
******
We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.
******
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how
it comes out.
******
I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit.
We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
******
The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to
go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds
are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has
thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud
and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a
long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just
a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us,
they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is
just a ride." And we kill those people.
******
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be
free.
******
That's an act, that's a frying pan, that's a stove, you're an
alcoholic! Dude, I'm tripping right now, and I still see that that's
a fucking egg, alright? I see the UFO's around it, but that's a
goddamn egg in the middle. There's a hobbit eating it, but goddammit
that hobbit's eating a fucking egg! He's on a unicorn. But, no, th-th-
th-that's a fucking egg. How dare you have a wino tell me not to do
drugs!
******
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
******
It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing
comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake
smile and plough through this shit one more time.
******
By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill
yourself. Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just
trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they'll take root. I don't know.
You try. You do what you can. Kill yourselves. Seriously though, if
you are, do. No really, there's no rationalisation for what you do,
and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously.
You're the ruiner of all things good. Seriously, no, this is not a
joke. "There's gonna be a joke coming..." There's no fucking joke
coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and
garbage, you are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's
the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself, kill yourself,
kill yourself now. Now, back to the show.
"You know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous
indignation dollar, that's a big dollar, a lot of people are feeling
that indignation, we've done research, huge market. He's doing a good
thing." Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags, quit putting a
godamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet!
******
I've learned a lot about women. I think I've learned exactly how the
fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the
Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one
with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and
all our dreams come true the instant that we have them." And Eve
said, "Yeah... it's just not enough is it?"
******
Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all
transpired. Go back to bed America, your goverment is in control.
Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed
America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it!
Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and
congratulate you on the living in the land of freedom. Here you go
America - you are free to do what well tell you! You are free to do
what we tell you!
******
I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love you. And
you feel it. You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and
defense each year, trillions of dollars, correct? Instead -- just
play with this -- if we spent that money feeding and clothing the
poor of the world -- and it would pay for it many times over, not one
human being excluded -- we can explore space together, both inner and
outer, forever in peace. Thank you very much. You've been great, I
hope you enjoyed it.
******
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and
cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples
and dance too?
******
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound
was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into
Catholic churches?
******
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet
of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know
he's got God on his side.
******
See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of
A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of
A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is
guaranteed? If you've got the money!
-- Bill Hicks, on being censored from "The Late Show with David
Letterman"
******
Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually
believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based
on what? I asked them.
"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up
all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."
Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to
so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years
old?
"That's right."
Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?
"Uh-huh."
Dinosaurs.
You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they
existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the
fucking Bible at some point.
"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was
blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O
the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!'
But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the
brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.
"And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so
many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat
fucking families and their fat dollar bills.
"And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord.
Thank you Lord."
******
People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a
woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of
both sexes I don't listen to.
The Official Bill Hicks Website
http://www.billhicks.com
Sacred Cow Productions
(Founded by Bill Hicks, Kevin Booth & David Johndrow in 1985)
http://www.sacredcowproductions.com/
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