! Jokes ! "Quotable Quotes" What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?" --Marilyn Pittman "When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" --Robin Williams "A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." --Christopher Case "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money." --Kevin Meaney "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." --Jake Johansen "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita Rudner "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown "I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." --Michael McShane "Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." --Jack Mayberry "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." --Elayne Boosler "I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself." --Judy Tenuta "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" --John Mendoza "Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second." --Steven Wright "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien "When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." --Rita Rudner "I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." --Winston Spear "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown "My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." --Ron Richards "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." --Lily Tomlin "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Rita Rudner "The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in." --Yakov Smirnoff "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." --Jay Leno "I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' " --Larry Miller "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' " --Jerry Seinfeld "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." --Steven Wright "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson "If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?" --John Mendoza "If God dropped acid, would he see people?" --Steven Wright "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." --Johnathan Katz "Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" --Lily Tomlin "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " --Richard Jeni ACTUAL Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins: 1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. 2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 8) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. 9) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 10) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 11) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 12) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 13) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 14) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 15) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 16) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 17) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 18) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child. Sam Rossier, Administrator The Unitarian Church Of Montpelier, Vermont - - - - - - - QUICK-QUIPS ON MARRIAGE Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!" ______________________________________ Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. ______________________________________ A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But sheleaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!" ______________________________________ Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish! ______________________________________ The guy applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Buddy." said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons ?" "Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" he replied. "I've been divorced three times." _____________________________________ A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. ______________________________________ A couple was having a discussion about family finances. finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here." ______________________________________ Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener. ______________________________________ The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Thanks to opercat. = = = = = = = = = = = Taken from actual performance evaluations: ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." "This employee should go far, and soon, I hope." "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." "He's been working with glue too much." "He would argue with a signpost." "He has a knack of making strangers immediately." "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." "He and the CEO have something in common. They've both gone as far as they can in this company." "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell." "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." - - - - - - - ICECREAM Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if Mom gets us Ice Cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!" Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for Ice Cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?", my son asked. "Cross my heart", then in theatrical whisper he added (indicating to the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "too bad she never asks God for Ice Cream. A little Ice Cream is good for the soul sometimes." Naturally, I bought my kid Ice Cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his Sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice Cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already!" - Unknown - - - - - - - BACK TO NATURE! These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips: ---------------------------------------------------------------------- "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call." "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections." "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness." "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands." "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals." "All the mile markers are missing this year." "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse." "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill." "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray thewilderness to rid the area of these pests." "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter." "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them." "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals." "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights." "Need more signs to keep area pristine." "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead." "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked." "Too many rocks in the mountains." EVEN YET MORE BUMPER STICKERS Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I intend to live forever - so far, so good I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - - - - - - - In England from an actual trial: A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". "I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident." He won the case. Sent in by Flo Johnasen - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" 11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?" 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 13 .Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" 14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?" 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." 19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." 21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood." -- -- -- -- -- -- -- The following is a list of actual written excuses given to teachers In the Albuquerque public school system by parents of students: 1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28,29,30,31,32. 2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault. 4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side. 5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. 6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor. 7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over. 8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. 9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part. 10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines. 11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip. 12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 13. Maryann was absent Dec.11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night. 14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating. 15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach. 16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout. 17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals. 19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah (crossed out), diahoah (crossed out), dyah (crossed out) the shits. *********************************************************** Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. "One, you have not studied your lesson. "Two, you have a dirty mind. "And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment." -- -- -- -- -- -- -- ~ Jokes from Eureka the Land of Heaven ~ Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Dinner Special -- Turkey $ 2.35; Chicken or Beef $ 2.25; Children $ 2.00 For Sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. Just typed the previous to 'test' if you were reading this. My esp is not working today. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment Man, honest. Will take anything. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Wanted: Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. -- -- -- -- -- -- -- These typos are supposedly collected from church bulletins: Don't let worry kill you - let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Payer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery. The rosebud on the altar is to announce the birth of the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. There will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Tuesday the ladies will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed", accompanied by the pastor. -- -- -- -- -- -- The Lion's Club Meeting A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex. When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off." If you read this last one and didn't laugh there is only one possibility why you did not laugh. 1) You are the minister! -- -- -- -- -- -- -- A Most Important Question During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz.I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: 'What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?' Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. Absolutely,' said the professor. 'In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello. I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy. - JoAnn Jones Say a Prayer I was taking my usual morning walk when a garbage truck pulled up beside me. I thought the driver was going to ask for directions. Instead, he showed me a picture of a cute little five-year-old boy. "This is my grandson, Jeremiah," he said. "He's on a life-support system at a Phoenix hospital." Thinking he would next ask for a contribution to his hospital bills, I reached for my wallet. But he wanted something more than money. He said, "I'm asking everybody I can say to a prayer for him. Would you say one for him, please?" I did. And my problems didn't seem like much that day. - Bob Westenberg Pickup in the Rain One night, at 11:30 pm, an older African-American woman was standing on the side of a Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her-generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab. She seemed to be in a big hurry! She wrote down his address, thanked him and drove way. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant combination console color TV and stereo record player were delivered to his home. A special note was attached. The note read: Dear Mr. James: Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others. Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole. The Leaf Then I took over the job as director of the New York City Opera, the financial information was uniformly bad. Creditors were calling. We owed everybody, even Lincoln Center. I was focusing so hard on the money plight that I almost forgot why I'd wanted the job to begin with - to produce operas. The first one I got involved with was Silverlake. On opening night, Broadway producer Hal Prince gave me a plant that I placed on a little wooden stand in my office. Within a week the plant died. That really bothered me. One of its leaves was still green, so I clipped it off, chucked the plant in a wastebasket, and planted the leaf. I watered it every day and left it under a lamp at night. I know this will strike you as a little crazy, but everybody really started rooting for that little leaf to live. I don't know how long we kept it up, but one morning when I walked in, another little shoot had come up through the earth. A couple of days later another one appeared, and then another after that, and eventually that leaf became a lovely, healthy plant that's alive and well in my basement office of the New York City Opera. You don't have to tell me how dumb it was for a group of intelligent people to identify with a leaf, but we did. That leaf survived. The New York City Opera would survive. It had to. - Beverly Sills Giving Blood Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liza who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her five-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liza." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?" Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give her all his blood. Two Nickels and Five Pennies In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired. Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely. The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed. When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - her tip. The Obstacle in Our Path In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On aproaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many others never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition. - Brian Cavanaugh - - - - - - - - - - - Another story from "Chicken Soup for the Soul"..... "Butterfly Kisses" We often learn the most from our children. Some time ago, a friend of mine punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight, and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found that the box was empty. He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside of it?" The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy." The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her forgiveness. My friend told me that he kept that gold box by his bed for years. Whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense, each of us as parents has been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold. = = = = = = = Story Teller Here: A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch. Thanks to Flo Johnasen for the above - - - - - - - Einstein's Speech When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me." - - - - - - - - - - - A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs." The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?" ---------- When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf." Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now." "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie. "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. " I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some trouble with it, so wanted them to work on it right then. She heard a little girl named Mary softly say, "Damn!" The teacher leaned over and said quietly to little Mary, "We don't say that in school, Mary." Little Mary looked at the teacher with her eyes very big and innocent and she said, "Not even when things have all gone to hell?!" ********************************************************************** Warning label found on a cup of hot coffee at McDonald's: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? ~ So Long For Now Soul ~
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