"Quotable Quotes"
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
--Marilyn Pittman
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in
the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
--Robin Williams
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always
say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my
mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied
in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too."
--Jake Johansen
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Brown
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat
pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has
spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart
everybody?"
--Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I
said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do
tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like
shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
--Jack Mayberry
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out
on myself."
--Judy Tenuta
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?"
--John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a
second."
--Steven Wright
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and
they would only play with each other."
--Rita Rudner
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting
C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually
bought a congressman."
--Bruce Baum
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That
may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me
advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I
already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
--Yakov Smirnoff
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you
should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of
four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and
Gomorrah an apology."
--Jay Leno
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me
was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should
hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
--Larry Miller
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a
war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that
little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon
there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get
past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got
the toe clippers right here.' "
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it."
--Steven Wright
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?"
--John Mendoza
"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"
--Steven Wright
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
by standing up really fast."
--Johnathan Katz
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but
when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
--Lily Tomlin
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but
to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni
ACTUAL Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins:
1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of
the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.
8) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies
will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
9) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of
the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will
come forward and get a piece of paper.
10) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
may be seen in the church basement Friday.
11) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
12) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
13) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
14) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
15) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
16) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
17) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.
18) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is
preparing for the girth of their first child.
Sam Rossier, Administrator
The Unitarian Church Of Montpelier, Vermont
- - - - - - -
QUICK-QUIPS ON MARRIAGE
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When
he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by
him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the
bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my
business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started
failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it,
I think you bring me bad luck!"
______________________________________
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman
speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and
the neighbors listen.
______________________________________
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a
wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too.
But sheleaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The
husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"
______________________________________
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before
you finish!
______________________________________
The guy applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job. "Look Buddy." said the foreman, "have you any
actual experience in picking lemons ?" "Well... as a matter if fact,
Yes!" he replied. "I've been divorced three times."
_____________________________________
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report
it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
______________________________________
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. finally the
husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be
here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I
wouldn't be here."
______________________________________
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
______________________________________
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
Thanks to opercat.
= = = = = = = = = = =
Taken from actual performance evaluations:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and soon, I hope."
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a knack of making strangers immediately."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"He and the CEO have something in common. They've both gone as far as
they can in this company."
"When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
- - - - - - -
ICECREAM
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked
if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God
is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if Mom
gets us Ice Cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even
know how to pray. Asking God for Ice Cream! Why, I never!" Hearing
this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God
mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific
job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached
the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God
thought that was a great prayer." "Really?", my son asked. "Cross my
heart", then in theatrical whisper he added (indicating to the woman
whose remark had started this whole thing), "too bad she never asks God
for Ice Cream. A little Ice Cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kid Ice Cream at the end of the meal. My son
stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life. He picked up his Sundae and without a word walked over
and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her,
"Here, this is for you. Ice Cream is good for the soul sometimes and my
soul is good already!"
- Unknown
- - - - - - -
BACK TO NATURE!
These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration
sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness
camping trips:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles.
Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service
needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number
of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks
are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails
that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs.
Please spray thewilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to
wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.
Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so
people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
EVEN YET MORE BUMPER STICKERS
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- - - - - - -
In England from an actual trial:
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated
on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more
amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out
laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court this was the man's reply
when asked why he acted in such a manner:
"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was
pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon:
The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans
Liniments remove Swelling".
"I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth
move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have
prevented this accident."
He won the case.
Sent in by Flo Johnasen
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal,
the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys
during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful
witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13 .Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and
the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
The following is a list of actual written excuses given to teachers
In the Albuquerque public school system by parents of students:
1. Dear School:
Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28,29,30,31,32.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed.
Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent
this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell
off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec.11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and
sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu
going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah
(crossed out), diahoah (crossed out), dyah (crossed out) the shits.
***********************************************************
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's
junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please
name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate
conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define
the conditions."
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins,
I don't think that is a proper question to ask me.
I assure you my parents will hear of this."
With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the
same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye,
in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three
things to say to you.
"One, you have not studied your lesson.
"Two, you have a dirty mind.
"And three, you will some day be faced with a
dreadful disappointment."
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
~ Jokes from Eureka the Land of Heaven ~
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and
salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $ 2.35; Chicken or Beef $ 2.25; Children $ 2.00
For Sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Just typed the previous to 'test' if you were reading this. My esp is not
working today.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does
the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted: Widower with school age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
These typos are supposedly collected from church bulletins:
Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Payer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery.
The rosebud on the altar is to announce the birth of the sin of Rev. and
Mrs. Julius Belzer.
There will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children
will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will
please come early.
Tuesday the ladies will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little
bed", accompanied by the pastor.
-- -- -- -- -- --
The Lion's Club Meeting
A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex. When he got home
he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had
discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and
they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said,
"Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's
only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly
walk, and the second time he fell off."
If you read this last one and didn't laugh there is only one possibility
why you did not laugh.
1) You are the minister!
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
A Most Important Question
During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop
quiz.I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions,
until I read the last one: 'What is the first name of the woman who cleans
the school?' Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning
woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how
would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before class ended,
one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
Absolutely,' said the professor. 'In your careers you will meet many
people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if
all you do is smile and say hello. I've never forgotten that lesson.
I also learned her name was Dorothy.
- JoAnn Jones
Say a Prayer
I was taking my usual morning walk when a garbage truck pulled up beside
me. I thought the driver was going to ask for directions. Instead, he
showed me a picture of a cute little five-year-old boy. "This is my
grandson, Jeremiah," he said. "He's on a life-support system at a Phoenix
hospital." Thinking he would next ask for a contribution to his hospital
bills, I reached for my wallet. But he wanted something more than money.
He said, "I'm asking everybody I can say to a prayer for him. Would you say
one for him, please?" I did. And my problems didn't seem like much that
day.
- Bob Westenberg
Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 pm, an older African-American woman was standing on the
side of a Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car
had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided
to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her-generally
unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s.
The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a
taxi cab. She seemed to be in a big hurry! She wrote down his address,
thanked him and drove way.
Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a
giant combination console color TV and stereo record player were delivered
to his home. A special note was attached. The note read: Dear Mr. James:
Thank you so much for
assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my
clothes but my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to
make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless
you for helping me and unselfishly serving others. Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King
Cole.
The Leaf
Then I took over the job as director of the New York City Opera, the
financial information was uniformly bad. Creditors were calling. We owed
everybody, even Lincoln Center. I was focusing so hard on the money plight
that I almost forgot why I'd wanted the job to begin with - to produce
operas. The first one I got involved with was
Silverlake. On opening night, Broadway producer Hal Prince gave me a plant
that I placed on a little wooden stand in my office. Within a week the
plant died. That really bothered me. One of its leaves was still green, so
I clipped it off, chucked the plant in a wastebasket, and planted the leaf.
I watered it every day and left it under a lamp at night.
I know this will strike you as a little crazy, but everybody really started
rooting for that little leaf to live. I don't know how long we kept it up,
but one morning when I walked in, another little shoot had come up through
the earth. A couple of days later another one appeared, and then another
after that, and eventually that leaf became a lovely, healthy plant that's
alive and well in my basement office of the New York City Opera. You don't
have to tell me how dumb it was for a group of intelligent people to
identify with a leaf, but we did. That leaf survived. The New York City
Opera would survive. It had to.
- Beverly Sills
Giving Blood
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got to
know a little girl named Liza who was suffering from a rare and serious
disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion
from her five-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same
disease and had developed the antibodies needed to
combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little
brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his
sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath
and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liza." As the transfusion
progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did,
seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his
smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice,
"Will I start to die right away?" Being young, the boy had misunderstood
the doctor; he thought he was going
to have to give her all his blood.
Two Nickels and Five Pennies
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy
entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of
water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" "Fifty cents,"
replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and
studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?"
he inquired. Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was
a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely. The little boy
again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The
waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.
The boy finished the ice cream, paid
the cashier and departed. When the waitress came back, she began wiping
down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed
neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - her tip.
The Obstacle in Our Path
In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid
himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of
the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked
around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but
none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way. Then a
peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On aproaching the
boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to
the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally
succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a
purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained
many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for
the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned
what many others never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity
to improve one's condition.
- Brian Cavanaugh
- - - - - - - - - - -
Another story from "Chicken Soup for the Soul".....
"Butterfly Kisses"
We often learn the most from our children. Some time ago, a friend of
mine punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold
wrapping paper. Money was tight, and he became infuriated when the
child tried to decorate a box to put under the tree. Nevertheless, the
little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said,
"This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier
overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found that the box
was empty. He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give
someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside of it?"
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh,
Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy."
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he
begged her forgiveness. My friend told me that he kept that gold box
by his bed for years. Whenever he was discouraged, he would take
out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put
it there. In a very real sense, each of us as parents has been given a
gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our
children. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
= = = = = = =
Story Teller Here:
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby
delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine
that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the
father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were
both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that
even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt
fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's
blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued
to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged
the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a
healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Thanks to Flo Johnasen for the above
- - - - - - -
Einstein's Speech
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's
circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his
laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another
rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who
somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of
speechmaking.
"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give
this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein
laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's
cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a
beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few
questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric
question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to
let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without
missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare
and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will
let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
- - - - - - - - - - -
A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to
cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to
show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled
the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so
thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him
to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to
rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved
and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby
airport where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung
the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the
air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low
passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,
"and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered,
"You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
----------
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his
clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly
suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why
is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit
me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to
Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into
the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how
is the golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to
but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my
swing but I think I've got that right now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing
for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to
be all right," says Stevie.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are
blind?" Jack asks.
" I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls
to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards
him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the
green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards
his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the
hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the
ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is
incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play
for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When
would you like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered
around a table for a reading group. After the story was read
she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may
have some trouble with it, so wanted them to work on it right then.
She heard a little girl named Mary softly say, "Damn!"
The teacher leaned over and said quietly to little Mary,
"We don't say that in school, Mary."
Little Mary looked at the teacher with her eyes very big and innocent
and she said, "Not even when things have all gone to hell?!"
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Warning label found on a cup of hot coffee at McDonald's:
Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
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Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
~ So Long For Now Soul ~
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